'Woman Forced to Pay Her Attacker' & 'The Man-imony Controversy'
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Anderson explores the rising trend of "man-imony," in which women are court-ordered to pay alimony to their ex-husbands.
In a daytime exclusive, Anderson speaks with Crystal Harris, who explains that after being physically abused by her husband, culminating with a sexual assault, she is ordered to pay him $1,000 monthly in alimony, in addition to having already paid approximately $47,000 in his legal fees.
Anderson speaks with several other women currently paying "man-imony," as well as experts who provide tips on what women can do to protect their money from their exes.
Plus, find out the number one thing women do wrong when it comes to money.
Community Question
Where do you stand on alimony? Should women have to pay alimony to men?
Join the conversation.
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Comments
I left my drugged out husband of 18 years when i could not take his daily snorting of oxycontin anymore. I took my 17 year old daughter with me and 3 years later the divorce is final because i basically gave my ex everything including my paying him alimony for 4 years. Unbelievable. So disgusted with the legal system. He has a friend of the family that's a lawyer and after $40,000 in legal fees i couldn't afford to keep fighting him. He quit his job stating i made him crazy from leaving him and started claiming mental disability. I gave him the marital home, 86 acres we had in Tennessee together, and i'm paying him alimony for 4 years. So disgusted and he doesn't even acknowledge his daughter even though his family has millions. His mother, my daughter's grandmother, took away her college fund and won't even speak to her. Some people are so messed up...
Ive teaken time to view the show and I must say I am dissapointed with Mr. Cooper. After seeing him in other news brodcasts around the world, this appears to have lowered his cariture. I will occasionally drop in to see what kind of story he is hosting, but after watching for a couple of weeks now, Mr. cooper has all but ruined his reputation as a great news man. In my eyes
Thank you for takeing my opion.
The situation… Sure I got married originally because she was pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing. She was an accountant and I was a residential counselor working with chemically dependent and mentally unstable children. She made two times my personal income and we decided she would continue to work and I would take care of the kids. So, I did and became a stay at home father full time. She is a mentally and emotionally abusive person and her son is a convicted pedophile that she allows to have access to our kids. This was a constant point of contention. Two years after my daughter was born my friends and family convinced me I should leave and informed her I was going. She begged me to say and told me she would change. Two months later she was pregnant with my son and all choices I had with regard to leaving were null and void. I was not going to leave my two kids in the hands of an abuser and a sexual predator. Years passed and when my kids started kindergarten I found out through my ex wife’s facebook she was having an affair with her ex husband and planning to use the tax return to ambush divorce me. I started looking for a job because I needed a lawyer and got one working with Alzheimer’s patients. One day her car water pump died and she wanted to take the car I was using and I needed it to go to work. She called her dad who came rushing over and tried to get in my face about her using the car and she slipped him the car title and he took it and put a lien on it. I contacted the sheriff and he told me they could report the car stolen and I could be charged with a felony and go to jail if I used the car. This resulted in my not being able to go to work and caused my termination. This was the final straw and I needed to get out to save my mental and emotional state from irreparable harm. Though it was hard I had no options and had to leave my kids in place with my ex and was offered a place to stay in California until I could get on my feet. I took the offer and moved 1900 miles to try and get a new life started so I could get my kids back and continue our life. I got papers in the mail through my mother that stated she had won everything and I was not even made aware of the fact papers had been filed. I contacted a lawyer through legal aid and they told me she committed fraud upon the court and that I could get the case reopened. However, I can’t get work or I lose my lawyer as I can’t afford him. I also can’t afford to live… I have already spent three months living on the streets of southern California and it’s not exactly fun. I am currently staying with a friend but who knows when I will be asked to leave. There are days like today I just consider stepping in front of a bus. Then remember my children and think of how they would feel. But, I’m stuck in hell and I can’t get out. I get repeated contacts from child support telling me I owe 600 a month and have 5k in back support due. I will lose my driver’s license and ability to get a passport if I can’t make payments and I can’t as I have 0 income. One of my major sources of work was driving and if they pull my license I can’t go look for work, get to work should I find a job. Not that I have anything from the marriage as it was all unjustly awarded to her adulterous self. I have no recourse and she should be paying me alimony and sure as heck not have the kids. I have all the disadvantages of a displaced homemaker and they say I am a dead beat dad.??? This is total BS.
Your episode today totally made me angry. I read everyone else's comments too. I do believe our laws are so totally corrupt it's not even funny.I too as a woman have to pay child support. But I too always felt that man or woman if you have a good paying job why make the other pay for leaving the marriage. My husband abused me for 7 yrs. I left w/ only my cloths that I could fit into my car.I fought him for 3 yrs. for custody, the whole time not wanting a dime from him if I got the children.He said to me to me the day he got custody, he only did this to despite me. During the 7yrs. I left him 2 or 3 times, woman shelters and all he did was stalk me. The time of the divorce I got a restraining order(again) and set up a mutual meeting place for the kids. I was ordered to pay 60% of my $7.52 hr.,working as a CNA a week.He made $4,000 a mth.courts didn't care how I was supposed to live.Let me tell you he still tried his abuse until I found my current soul-mate.I love my children to death, but I tell you w/out any regret. I couldn't take anymore, I left and ended up hitting rock bottom in life. I'm back in my hometown after 5yrs.w/ nothing but back support an angry kids.Not even a few mths. back he tried again,he's an alcholic, a abusive an his stalking behavior.Even w/ me being w/ that guy I called my soul-mate of 15yrs. I've decided to stop being weak, I'm going to stand strong and become an activist.The laws need to change for both men and women. I am on both sides, I'm not just saying this because I as woman have to pay support. It's wrong when a "Human Being" can't live or survive on their own in this day in time!
Your episode today totally made me angry. I read everyone else's comments too. I do believe our laws are so totally corrupt it's not even funny.I too as a woman have to pay child support. But I too always felt that man or woman if you have a good paying job why make the other pay for leaving the marriage. My husband abused me for 7 yrs. I left w/ only my cloths that I could fit into my car.I fought him for 3 yrs. for custody, the whole time not wanting a dime from him if I got the children.He said to me to me the day he got custody, he only did this to despite me. During the 7yrs. I left him 2 or 3 times, woman shelters and all he did was stalk me. The time of the divorce I got a restraining order(again) and set up a mutual meeting place for the kids. I was ordered to pay 60% of my $7.52 hr.,working as a CNA a week.He made $4,000 a mth.courts didn't care how I was supposed to live.Let me tell you he still tried his abuse until I found my current soul-mate.I love my children to death, but I tell you w/out any regret. I couldn't take anymore, I left and ended up hitting rock bottom in life. I'm back in my hometown after 5yrs.w/ nothing but back support an angry kids.Not even a few mths. back he tried again,he's an alcholic, a abusive an his stalking behavior.Even w/ me being w/ that guy I called my soul-mate of 15yrs. I've decided to stop being weak, I'm going to stand strong and become an activist.The laws need to change for both men and women. I am on both sides, I'm not just saying this because I as woman have to pay support. It's wrong when a "Human Being" can't live or survive on their own in this day in time!
Your episode today totally made me angry. I read everyone else's comments too. I do believe our laws are so totally corrupt it's not even funny.I too as a woman have to pay child support. But I too always felt that man or woman if you have a good paying job why make the other pay for leaving the marriage. My husband abused me for 7 yrs. I left w/ only my cloths that I could fit into my car.I fought him for 3 yrs. for custody, the whole time not wanting a dime from him if I got the children.He said to me to me the day he got custody, he only did this to despite me. During the 7yrs. I left him 2 or 3 times, woman shelters and all he did was stalk me. The time of the divorce I got a restraining order(again) and set up a mutual meeting place for the kids. I was ordered to pay 60% of my $7.52 hr.,working as a CNA a week.He made $4,000 a mth.courts didn't care how I was supposed to live.Let me tell you he still tried his abuse until I found my current soul-mate.I love my children to death, but I tell you w/out any regret. I couldn't take anymore, I left and ended up hitting rock bottom in life. I'm back in my hometown after 5yrs.w/ nothing but back support an angry kids.Not even a few mths. back he tried again,he's an alcholic, a abusive an his stalking behavior.Even w/ me being w/ that guy I called my soul-mate of 15yrs. I've decided to stop being weak, I'm going to stand strong and become an activist.The laws need to change for both men and women. I am on both sides, I'm not just saying this because I as woman have to pay support. It's wrong when a "Human Being" can't live or survive on their own in this day in time!
Stuart A... NO! that is not the purpose of marriage ( to force sexual relations)!!
While I am on my soapbox, the purpose of divorce is not to continue to support the EX either (be it man or woman).
I thank Anderson and his producers for bringing this family court injustice to light! I hope more talk shows will do the same. I believe that most of the public and maybe even the legislators are unaware of what goes on in the family courts across the nation. These men and women do not have as many rights as criminals have. Please go to NJalimonyreform.org to read more stories about the Shame of the Garden State.
AC,
I watched your 24 January show with Crystal Harris. This was one of the most ridiculous shows I have ever seen. As I was watching along with my fiancee', and after seeing a photo of Ms. Harris, her spouse and 2 children, my fiancee asked me, 'are they married?'. I replied, 'yes', and my fiancee says, 'how can that be rape if they are married?'---Even if sexual actions were 'forced', if the two are married, isn't that the purpose of marriage? To have a partner for such physical needs? If not, then whats the point of marriage?
Doesn't the "Protection of Marriage" Act define marriage as a 'man and woman'? And the point of this union is???? what???
procreation. Thats right. So, sexual relations should be a fundamental expectant to any marital relationship.
Apparently, Mr. Harris was found guilty of "Forced Oral Copulation"--- Is 'forced oral copulation' a crime? Especially with his wife?
Your question, 'should women pay alimony?'---How can you even ask such a biased question? Equal Rights, baby! You want to play, you have to pay. No more Free Rides, you can thank all the liberal bra burners of the 60's for that. In this case, should Ms. Harris pay alimony? Should Ms. Harris 'accuse' her own spouse, husband, significant other with rape? She went to this extreme, so the judgment against her is warranted. I still have difficulty understanding how a married man, vowed to love, honor, cherish, and remain committed to a monogamous relationship could be charged with such a crime?? What has our society become?
AC, I used to respect your journalism. You have always appeared to present a newsworthy story in the most professional manner...but your talkshow program is beginning to show signs of The Jerry Springer Show. Please, take a page from Oprah or Dr. Phil.
Feminists thought it was just fine for men to pay alimony (and child support) to women, but laws should be applied to EVERYONE, EQUALLY. When they are, the feminists are crying "unfair". In reality, child support and alimony were intended as a Communistic "TRANSFER OF WEALTH" scheme; an entitlement for women. Glad to see some movement away from the blatant discrimination.
Permanent alimony doesn't help anyone. We have paid my husband's former spouse to sit home and do nothing for several years. As a result of doing so, she has not grown personally, allowed her appearance to slide, become a hoarder, and now she's depressed. The children have long since reached adulthood and moved away. She has no real interest or activities and she doesn't volunteer for any charities. The money insulates her and has allowed her become antisocial and reclusive, rather than productive and thriving. Both the payor and the payee are suffering. Permanent alimony must end.
Of course women have to pay alimony, the same way men are. If not, remove alimony payments from men to women and gay couples too. It's funny how women want equal rights but not equal responsibilities. It is also funny that now judges are now looking into divorce cases for gay couples and don't know what to do without the gender bias that usually drive their decisions.
Thank you for airing the show about lifetime alimony. Regardless of who pays, male or female, paying alimony for life is wrong. It is indentured servitude and lifetime welfare. Unless a person is disabled, there is no need to pay for life.
All marital assets were split at the time of divorce. The ex received about 70%. My permanent alimony is half my pay. The ex doesn't work or doesn't try to get work although she has a college degree and work experience. I have a stressful job and have no ability to ever retire unless I am lucky that a judge will allow me after I gamble thousands of dollars to try to have the alimony terminated at retirement age. I wouldn't mind helping her get on her feet for a few years, but there is no need to support someone else till I die.
The laws need to be changed to represent our current society where woman have equal opportunity in the work place.
'Permanent alimony' is an anachronism in today's society
The letter below appeared in The Treasure Coast Palm on Friday January 20, 2012.
http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2012/jan/20/letter-permanent-a...
Gordon E. Finley, Ph.D., Miami
In response to "State lawmaker files bill to reform 'unfair,' 'antiquated' alimony laws" (Jan. 12), why should any state have laws granting "until death do us part" permanent alimony when today's reality is that a preponderance of marriages end in divorce?
Permanent alimony, for which there is no accountability, is unfair both to fathers and to the children of divorce. Most fathers would much rather spend their money on their children than their ex-spouses.
What Florida legislators need to understand is that by failing to pass alimony reform they are saying that ex-spouses are far more worthy of financial support than are the children of divorce. I would urge the Legislature to place the children of divorce above ex-spouses and pass House Bill 549 and Senate Bill 748. Please contact your state senators and representatives today and urge them to support alimony reform.
[Professor of Psychology Emeritus, Florida International University]
Divorce is scary in Florida. I am glad this is on the radar. The non-working spouse has all the power becuase she can make the craziest demands and make the working spouse settle or go bankrupt fighting. I have been to three hearings now. The judg has refused to listen to me or my attorney. I face contempt charges next week becuase he refuses to look at our proof. It seems like a bad novel but everyone I talk to has simiar stories. There is an open bias against the man. The beliefe is that he must have been wrong and she was a saint. I have been telling all involved that I wanted to do what is fair to ex and the children. The problem is that she wants everything, a new house with all bills paid and full alimony and child support. I would have to borrow money every month. She doesnt care. She will drive us into bankruptcy until she gets it for life. We have lost everything and I am two weeks from us all being homeless and she still wont stop. If I wasnt so terrified, i would think there was humor in ther somewhere. I probably wont last through the process but as long as she gets her revenge, i guess all will be well. I love my kids but I dont know how to make this right. Why won't the judge and the law think about them? why is it that a non-working spouse can litigate with not risk and go through all the assets? Why is it that we as a society believe that is ok? Why do we believe that one person deserves a free ride for ever and the other person must live to serve that other person for ever. Is there really anything positive that can come from any of this? SO MANY LIVES ARE BEING RUINED RIGHT NOW. PEOPLE ARE LOSING HOPE, COMMITTING SUICIDE.....THIS SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD BE THE NUMBER ONE ISSUE OF OUR TIME FOR THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. Please keep this fight up. My poor sweet little 4 year old man and 8 year old lady need us to own up to our mistake and fix it.
Thank you Anderson Cooper for bringing awareness to this problem. It is a gender neutral problem based on the higher income spouse, generally men paying women. The real issue is should permanent alimony even exist in today’s society. Unless there is physical or mental disability, and that is part of the judges’ determination, then there should only be some rehabilative or durational alimony. No one in a “free society” should be made a perpetual slave to another. It should be no-fault, equal division of assets and then let people get on with their lives. Forcing someone to work forever and pay another person money to maintain their life style after they are divorced is crazy and so is the current law on permanent alimony. Let’s get change going NOW. Florida and New Jersey are trying to change their laws as Massachusetts did last year. Most states do not have permanent alimony. We need fair laws in whatever state we reside in the United States of America.