Taking Back Your Life from an Abusive Spouse
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Anderson talks with the first US face transplant recipient, Connie Culp, who was shot in the face by her husband of 25 years after he flew into a jealous rage. He was recently released from prison. Connie’s twin sister, Bonnie, who found her after she had been shot, also joins the conversation.
Tanya Williams, estranged wife of former NBA star Jayson Williams, speaks about the abuse she lived with and covered up for years.
Community Question
Do you know a woman who has reclaimed her life from an abusive partner? How did she do it?
Join the conversation.
Filed Under: Episodes
![[Infographic] Abuse in America: Calls to National Domestic Violence Hotline in 2011](http://ll-media.andersoncooper.com/2011/10/06/info-graphic-180.jpg)
Comments
Michael Ryan claimed back his life from an abusive wife who paid to get him murdered.
but he's a man,the wrong gender
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yq2WWsY8Rmc
url http://www.familyofmen.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/sto...
Bringing attention to family/domestic violence is a very important social issue, but how about talking about the other 50% of the victims? That being male victims of female perpetrated domestic violence???
to get away from my husband I had to move out of state away from my family and friends. I didn't want my two daughters to think this was alright- that a husband could abuse his wife-I left town with about 150 dollars in my pocket-I wanted my life back and never live in fear that he could kill me
Anderson,
Thank you for your show on "Abusive Women"...
It was very good and I hope that the ladies who are still being abused will leave...
I read one ladies comment" you are not only physically, yet emotionally, and mentally abused" in this type of relationship.
Thank you for letting me express what I went through
Sophia
The show looked good, but I could not hear bad static through out the hour, feel cheated out o*****ood show.
I too think this was a great start in helping those women who are too fearful to get away.
I would also like to see you do a show on men who are abused, verbally and physically.
Thank you Anderson for your new "realm'.
After nine years of marriage, I finally got the courage to leave my abuser when my daughters were 2 1/2 and 4 years old. Over the ensuing years I worked at any job I could get and persued an education and career at the same time. Once my children were out of the nest I found a new, decent partner. Yet the modelling of seeing their father's treatment of me, and his emotionally contact with them over the years, has left a big scar on my children. Their self esteem in relation to men took a beating, especially for the older one who was exposed to more of the abuse. So even though I am very greatful that I got out, I see the long term impacts through the generations. If you are in a bad situation like this, please get out and start your healing and your family's healing as soon as you can. And get as much support for yourself and your children as you can. Reach out to kind emotionally healthy people and ask for what you need. Don't give up.
Just want to give Anderson some feedback on interviewing re his show on domestic violence. After a guest would speak he seemed to emphasize the last thing the person said rather than the important thing the person said. For example, when he asked the guest about her daughter she said she was afraid for her daughter's situation with an abusive boyfriend. Then she went into the denial, the line of reasoning she uses to calm herself, that her daughter is physically strong. Anderson reflected back 'So your daughter is strong?' This is not the direction or focus that was important. The important thing was that this mother is realistically afraid for her daughter because her daughter is now in an abusive relationship - following in her mother's footsteps. The daughter and audience needed to hear that mother is afraid for daughter and to also make the connection that when a man abuses his woman it not only harms the woman but harms the children (many people in society at large are in denial about this) and that history tends to repeat itself. ...I realize Anderson that you are not trained in counselling or domestic violence. I am not trying to be critical, I am glad you tackled the topic. But I think if you were to review the tapes there would be a growing opportunity. ...There is a lot of daytime fluff on tv and I look forward to you taking on these sorts of real issues.
I always like to hear about women getting out of abusive relationships alive. However, by comparison, there are so many other women that were abused and are being abused in much worse cir***stances over longer periods of time. It is a big problem, to say the least. Anderson, if you really want to address this issue, I'd continue to look deeper, but this was a good start and my heart goes out to them.
Now let's talk about all of the innocent innocent children awarded 50% to an abusive parent despite the evidence. I'm watching my dear granddaughters be terrorized and controlled 5 DAYS A WEEK by their father. 5 days a week without their unabusive mother. Just because the law says in Wisconsin without just cause, a 50-50 agreement is best for the CHILDREN? It's tearing me apart to watch them BEG not to send them to dad's house. Violent, bigoted, lying, controlling, physically AND worse yet, mentally abusive father. Behavior has even been demonstrated in front of police officials, to no avail.
We recently lost three small children within 24 hours of each other from parental abuse. Then just a few weeks ago, an 11 year old took his own life "because nobody would listen". And I listen to Police Chief Wray on TV stating how tragic all of this is, and how he just can't figure out how to stop it all from happening???? REALLY!!!!
I was having a fun conversation with the girls about Halloween costumes a few days ago. I asked the 9 year old what she would like to be for Halloween this year. She changed moods immediately and said.............grandma, I want to be an angel. Let's hope that doesn't happen. She is very gifted and ahead almost 2 grade levels in school. She is no dummy! I pray to god she forgets about it. Probably unlikely though.
Her mom has tried to repeatedly to get psychological services for both of the girls. Dad won't allow that without him being present. Gee, wonder why!! Anyone else?
Thank you Anderson for doing a show on domestic abuse. I too was abused by my husband(we are now separated). My daughter was also abused by him emotionally, verbally, mentally, and psychologically. He was so mean to her every day. He would treat her like a slave. If he wanted to punish her for something she did wrong, the punishment would go on and on and on. For example, she was being punished for something(I don't even remember what for)and she had to clean the bathroom every day for several months. He would abuse his own authority this way. He was so mean to her and when I would defend her he would start on me and start to call me names as if I shouldn't defend my own child. He was also a bully. He would pick on my daughter relentlessly for everything she did. He would call her fat ass, lazy, or stupid. She wasn't even fat but even if she was, there's no reason to call her names. He would regularly make me feel like I could never do anything right. Everything I did was wrong because it wasn't done his way. He would nitpick about EVERYTHING. Life with him was very draining. He would sometimes have fits of rage when he started yelling about things from the past that he was still angry about and should have already gotten over. Little stupid things that were not even important like the kids(I also have a son)squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube not the bottom of the tube. If I said to him that it's not important or they're kids, he would say I'm making excuses for them. If one of my kids wanted to say something to me, they would lower their voices almost to a whisper because they didn't want him to hear what they were saying because he would respond even though they were talking to me. Please understand the 2 kids are mine, my ex-husband was their stepfather. He was very weak and insecure and obsessive and nitpicky and controlling and extremely angry. I felt like everyday he came home a dark cloud came in the house with him.
During his last fit of rage (in person anyway), I took my kids and left and went to my parents house. He had threatened to knock me out at least twice that night after I was defending my daughter against him because he was yelling at her for something stupid (as usual). That was it. I made up my mind that I'm done with him and his abusive ways and we're leaving and not coming back. This happened in mid July. We lived at my parent's house until early Sept when he left. He actually thought I was going to come back! I made it clear to him throught text messaging (this was the only way we could communicate because he would yell and swear at me and blame me if we were on the phone)that I'm not coming back and he has to leave the house. He left in early Sept and the kids and I moved back in the next day after he left. I changed the lock on the door and now we feel safe.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...physical abuse starts as verbal, emotional, mental, and psychological abuse. It doesn't necessarily start off as physical abuse. It starts off in very subtle ways. You might not even realize you are being abused until you talk to someone that can identify it properly. I could go on and on. There's a lot more to my story but this is just some of it. I hope I can help someone else that's going through the same thing.
I would like to comment that I feel one significant thing that this show on domestic violence failed to cover is that there are women who are violent and that domestic violence DOESNT ONLY happen to women. It's assumed that a male is always the wrong person, all through the show I heard women need to do this, women are abused, men are the abusers, take a hint from the show Oprah Winfrey did regarding 200 men who were sexually molested, domestic violence AGAINST men does happen in our society, and WOMEN also are the abusers in some cases. I think this show failed horribly those MEN that are in abusive relationships in failing to recognize and discuss that it also happens. To often in divorce cases women pull out the "woman card" and claim abuse when it is actually the other way around. Men end up guilty until proven innocent.
I feel stongly that your should show both sides of abuse in families. I've nver seen a show showing men who are abused. There are many of them out there. They don't like to come out becuase they are told "can't you handle your wife" The police when called look at you like you are nuts and say "So do you want to press charges" The answer is "I want you to stop her from hitting me"
There are no hot lines for men and no homes for them to go to. When these woman are asked for divorces they but restraining orders on men. Put a show together on this. Show how men bleed too.
I am 30 yrs old, living in West Virginia, where I hav no family to help me out, so I stay home while my hubby works. This episode has helped me in so many ways, I am in an abusive relationship,and he would be so upset if he knew I am posting this. I hav known my hubby since i was 14, and we hav 1 daughter n his 2 kids as well. I started to turn abusive myself, then I got help, and Im working on my own verbal problems, Im tryin to keep my family 2gether, and Iv made so many excuses. What happens is that these men get insecure about us leaving them for whatever reason and they find subtle ways to keep us down, and with them. I have shared all my fears with him, and he is trying as well, but he CANNOT fix himself without professional meds, and I CANNOT fix him, as I once thot I could. I have mourned him, I had to, he is dead to me, I just live day to day trying to get his 2 kids, who I lov as my own, raised up enough, i have to progressivley make plans, as we heard, safety first. If these men cant keep you, they may hurt your other family members, so we all have to relocate. I loved the part where the Dr. said that a good dad will be good to the mother, to show their kids what a Real man is. My dad is my bestfriend, and i let myself move 300 miles away, and regret it everyday, for 10 yrs now. As much as we love these men, we have to move on and mourn them as if they really are dead, as sad as it is, its true. If only there were some way of stopping the insecurities before they start, but its all in their own heads. It made me realize that all the good things we hold onto, has already left their minds, because if they thot of us so fondly, they wouldnt treat us that way! If they dont man-up they never will, its so sad, but they are chosing this, not us! This show made me feel so much better about liberating myself for me, and moreso my kids. Thank you!!!! I wish the best for all of you on the show and all the abused people, men or woman, around the world!
I can't begin to thank you enough for addressing the topic of domestic violence. October is Domestic Violence month, and it is a subject that very few people seem to want to address. I am a survivor of a very abusive. I got married a year ago and am now pregnant with a man who is simply incredible...It does get better!! Last year, I was a speaker at the 30th anniversary for Turning Point, the organization that helped me. Anderson, you mentioned that it is hard for you to understand, so I am including a copy of my speech.
Eight years ago I met, what I thought, was the most charming handsome man. Full of charisma, I was completely engulfed with his charm. We began dating, well it was official after a very short period of time. He cared about me so much that he wanted to make it official! The beginning was anything short of amazing!
2 months later he was drinking heavily and I told him that I was tired and so he threw me across the room and my head hit the corner of the wall and I fell to the floor. The worst part about it was that I had friends witness the whole thing. I stayed with him after that and no one seemed to understand why.
He explained to me that he had a problem with drinking and needed me for support. Support in his mind was telling me that if I wasn’t there for him he would drink. Well I was scared that he would, so I spent every moment with him.
The abuse continued. The verbal insults resulting me to constantly doubt myself were becoming a daily activity. Because of this, I started feeling very bad about myself, my self-esteem became almost non existent and I was permanently filled with anxiety. I was constantly reminded that I couldn’t do anything right, he always seemed to want more from me. And if I fought back, it usually resulted in something of mine being broken , ripped or stomped upon.
By now, all of my family and friends had suspected that something was wrong, but I had become good at making excuses. I started spending very little time with my family as well with whom I was very close. I was getting tired of justifying my relationship to my friends, so I alienated them too. It became just my abuser and me.
We had been living together in my condo and one day he told me he bought a house for me. He moved into the house while I refused to do so. He was furious that I wanted to stay in my condo. He once again began drinking. One night after calling my 20 or so times in a row begging me to meet him at a local bar, I hung up the phone, turned my phone off because I knew he was drunk. I continued reading a book in bed. And the next thing I knew, he was banging my door down, running up the stairs telling me that he was going to kill me. He jumped on top of me and began to strangle me. He then jumped up and went into my office where he began breaking pitures and anything else closeby. I tried to run out of my room with the phone in my hand and he grabbed me, cutting me and tried again to strange me, only this time with a USB cord. I whispered that I had called the police and he ran out.
Somehow, he had made me feel that what had happened was my fault. And although I still believed it a little, I had realized the relationship needed to be over. He would not accept that I wanted to end our relationship and became more threatening during this time.
I feared for my life. I was scared, worn down, emotionally drained; I felt that I had lost myself. I looked in the mirror and cried almost every time. In the past, I knew I needed to leave him but I just couldn’t stay away. Each time my abuser would hurt me, he always had a way to make up for it and make me feel like it was my fault and things would get better! And then the roller coaster ride would continue. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I had tried so many times on my own and then one day I knew I needed more.
I went online and researched domestic violence., and my abuser fit every category. While online I looked up support groups and was directed to Turning Points website. I called a few days later and met with a counselor. I was going to start attending the group sessions. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I figured that I would go, but there are much more extreme cases and my abuse was not what you see in the movies. I sat through the group for two hours and heard each and every woman repeat some of my story. There was a common thread and it was that we were all in abusive relationships. I left that meeting and cried like never before and waited patiently for the following Wednesday. I attended every Wednesday.
I began to find mysel****ain only this time I was stronger and more confident. I used Turning Point’s PPO services as well. Although I filed in Wayne County, TP had given me the tools so that I would know what to expect. I filed a PPO and with my abuser trying to fight it. I felt the strength and the support of the woman who had shared their stories all those Wednesdays in order to help me get to that point.
Since my abuser fought the PPO, my father went to court with me. My father had to sit there and listen to all of the horrific details of the past 7 years of my life. After the judge granted the PPO, I cried on my fathers shoulder and told me he was so proud of me. I knew I had my life back. I had gained some control of my life.
Although I continue to fear my abuser, I realize that life can certainly change! I am getting married to the most genuinely, amazing man in the world, my family and friends are still there for me and no longer to try to understand what I have gone through, they just love me more than ever and continue to support me.
Turning Point taught me that I could regain power and control over my life. It seems so simple, yet it was the most difficult realization I have made in my life. I began to mend many of my relationships and lean on my family and friends and Turning Point for support. I had yet another issue just this week that was related to by abuser and I discussed it with one of my colleges at Turning Point. She helped me more than words can express. Turning Point has always had an door open, since I day I first walked in and that in itself is a comforting feeling. So when I say that turning Point helped me, I am really saying that they gave me the tools to take back my life.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story…