Are Parents Playing Favorites?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Anderson sparks a debate with mothers who openly admit they play favorites with their children, and one that is vehemently opposed to these findings. Anderson sits down with famous siblings Angela and Vanessa Simmons, who discuss how favoritism has affected them.
Anderson also speaks with a psychologist and sibling expert to discuss the impact parent favoritism can have on one’s life. Plus, a short quiz to help you determine whether or not you play favorites with your own children.
Community Question
Do you think parents play favorites? Did yours?
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Comments
My sister and I have three kids between us. We treat them all differently. Some days the assets of one are more what we're looking for (i.e. humour, caring, etc.), but we do not play favourites. They are all different and we treat them depending on what their personalities require. But we don't "favour" them. In fact, my daughter would argue that I favour one nephew or the other over her, and my nephews may say the same to my sister about my daughter.
My sister and I joke about being our parents' favourite. I thik it's because neither of us was. Our dad does treat us differently but I think it fits our personalities.
Am I?
I'"m a mother of 2 beautiful girls. My oldest daughter is 20 years old and youngest is 17. When my oldest was 15 she wa***** by a car and from there diagnosed with cancer(Hodgkins). I spented every minute with her in hospital and at home. Stacey was cleared after 6 months of treatment but at 16 years old rediagnosed with another cancer(Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma). Back into treatment for 6 more months of chemotherapy and radiation. Each time Stacey gets sick i focus on her and my youngest daughter Allison gets pushes aside, spending alot of time in her room alone. The guilt kills me but thats the way I had to get through this is focus on Stacey to get her better and Allison and my husband on there own. At 19 years old Stacey was diagnosed with Hodgkin again! She had a bone marrow transplant in Feb. of this year and was in hospital for 4 weeks and I spent every day and night with her. Again Allison and Dave were alone again. I can't help the guilt I feel for leaving Allison each time but I don't love her any lease and dont favour one daughter over the other, I just did what I had to do to get though this each time.
Wow! I am pretty shocked at the ignorance these three guests are showing and quite frankly, it’s disgusting to watch. This is the first time I wanted to change the channel on Anderson Cooper! As a parent, whether you have a favorite child or not, you would never let them know that. You would individualize the strengths and greatness of each one. How could any child ever feel worthy in their everyday lives knowing the most influential and significant person always viewed them as second best. Would the child ever want to achieve the highest goals in their lives, knowing that it doesn’t matter because they will always achieve second best based on their upbringing or be viewed that way. Parents are the ones that build self esteem and strength in their children. Clearly these selfish and reckless individuals on the show have no clue that they are actually having the opposite effect on their kids. They are creating future bullies, future narcissistic adults and future unfeeling/uncaring people. Shame on them!! They are as bad as an abusive parent and to see them so smug about is unbelievable.
Wow! I am pretty shocked at the ignorance these three guests are showing and quite frankly, it’s disgusting to watch. This is the first time I wanted to change the channel on Anderson Cooper! As a parent, whether you have a favorite child or not, you would never let them know that. You would individualize the strengths and greatness of each one. How could any child ever feel worthy in their everyday lives knowing the most influential and significant person always viewed them as second best. Would the child ever want to achieve the highest goals in their lives, knowing that it doesn’t matter because they will always be viewed as second best based on their upbringing. Parents are the ones that build self esteem and strength in their children. Clearly these selfish and reckless individuals on the show have no clue that they are actually having the opposite effect on their kids. They are creating future bullies, future narcissistic adults and future unfeeling/uncaring people. Shame on them!! They are as bad as an abusive parent and to see them so smug about is unbelievable.
Mom of 3, boy,girl,girl,all adults now. All children are individuals with fantastic differences. Personalities, sexes, passions,behaviors all very,very different, thank God for them. The love is equal, how you interact with each is a direct result of their individual personalities & needs at any given time. I believe some parents favor one child over another since I have seen VERY OBVIOUS cases of it, the end result.....
A lot of PAIN. I,however, am not one of them. I have a favorite son & two favorite daughters:). I totally agree with Ms. Styler!! You could see,hear & feel the pain when you talked with the adult children in your audience.
Honestly, I think that children have different "roles" in their parents' lives. At least it is that way for my mother. I'm the baby of three. However, my oldest brother is worried about the most, so he is "babied". My middle brother is her most "trustworthy" as he's successful. While I am the closest to her and rather the "confidante'" because I'm trustworthy and loyal to a fault.
I'd like to say that I can pinpoint her favorite and least favorite. At times we've all been one or the other. But when you collect our traits from her view point, the three roles I listed are what it is when it comes to her. I know that she loves us each individually, in her own way.
As I've gotten older, I'm glad that I can see it from her point of view. Often times I wonder why she's so hard on me and so lenient with the others. Personally I think it's because she expects the most from me and I respect that. :)
Yes and no. I love each of my children for their differences and their sameness. I raised the two older children by myself for five years. We were homeless and in a major fire together, so our bond is totally different than the youngest. I started having the children later in life. 34, 38 and 44..I am now 60. I have attempted to guide them utilizing their strengths to help them become what they chose to be...the person they chose to be. At least I would like to think so. It is difficult at any age; but, I do love each differently and sometimes I tend to lean toward my son (middle child)to help out more around the house, but my husband (stepfather) will be 75 this winter. It isn't easy. But, yes, I think there are times when we like what one child has done more than the other, but love them all the same.
I was watching this particular show prior to going to work, and was unable to stay to see the remainder of the show. It was said that Anderson would give a certain amount of indicators to let you know if you were the favorite child or not. I was very interested in finding out what they were. Is there anyone who knows what they were?
I completely agree that some parents show outright favouritism to one or more kids (it happened with my husband who was pushed aside by his parents from a very young age in favour of his siblings), but there is also another side to what some would call favouritism.
I have always been called the spoiled brat and favourite of the family. I was the youngest of four and not planned so not only were there were many years between me and my siblings, but my parents were also that much older than other parents of kids my age. By the time I was five, my oldest brother was in the army and my older two siblings were away at boarding school (my Dad's job constituted that he travelled a lot and it was more stable for the kids to be in one place for their high school years). That led to me basically being the only child at home and I was very close to my parents. I was shy and didn't socialize much. As I got older my Dad's health deteriorated and I did everything I could for them. The rest of the family didn't want to have much to do with an ailing parent, so of course my relationship with my parents was close because I was the only one they could rely on, and often vice versa. In spite of this my parents always gave everything of themselves to all us kids, especially when finances were involved. They always worried that if they did one thing for one kid, then another one would be upset. Birthday presents and the like were always carefully worked out so that the monetary value was similar for everyone.
So sometimes the view of favouritism should be seen in a different context because it's not always as simple as some would like it to be as in "you're the favourite, Mom and Dad will do anything for you but not for us, etc." Maybe the other siblings would also be considered as a "favourite" if they stepped up to the plate and were part of someone else's life other than their own.
This was a great issue that you never see addressed on television. I bet those women that think it's okay to show favorites were golden children. They would never act that way if they felt the pain and suffering from seeing your parents interact with their favorite.
I wish the expert would have discussed the damage that this causes. HE DIDN'T RESEARCH HIS TOPIC VERY WELL!!! When an infant cries the normal motherly response is to provide attention. If the child doesn't get the necessary attention, it continues to cry. However, in nature, that becomes a dangerous situation because it calls attention to a susceptible infant. The infant learns to withdraw to protect itself from predators. That withdrawl causes depression. If you read these postings, you will be amazed at how many non-favorites complain about their depression!
As a child growing up, you just can't help but think that you did something wrong to deserve this. It takes quite a while to realize that it has nothing to do with who you are, but it says more about the bitterness and stupidity of your parents. Likewise, those special kids that think they "earned" being a favorite are fooling themselves.
Great topic, keep up the good work!
My Mom and my Grandmother both had favorites.... neither was me. I am 40 years old and it still haunts me. It made me angry as a young adult and made me feel like I was never good enough. I never thought that I was pretty enough, smart enough and I didn't have anything to offer. This has stuck with me my entire life and I still fight with my Mother about it all the time. My Grandmother passed away two years ago and I sat with her every single day, holding her hand and doing my best to make her feel comfortable. I would have done it regardless, but in the back of my mind, I wanted her to love me more before she died. I think that you can have a favorite child, but it is your duty as a parent to not show that to your children. It scars children for a lifetime. Children are gifts. They will experiance enough harshness in the world growing up without having to feel like they are not something special in their parents eyes.
I watch this program and I wish that I was on that program because I am the 3rd girl in my family and was my moms last baby for 11 years and then we adopted 2 boy that we 3 & 5 years old. I was 11 yrs old when this happened. That is my family line up.
This is my input to all this. I was getting really hot hearing parents saying they had a favorite child. If parents have children they need to love them all. They are their flesh and blood. They brought them into this would, not the other way around. If you know you love your first child so much, you should not have anymore. I love my 2 children now adults the same. They are 7 years apart. My first is Mark and he was very easy to raise and he loved to please me. He was the delight of my life. We lost our 2nd boy 7 days before he was to be born and so he was a stillborn. I lost 8 more babies by miscarriage. So, we adopted our girl when she was 7 days old from one of my adopted brothers. Melissa is a delight. She was a lot harder to deal with in her teen years but I loved her and we have always had a great relationship. She is like my husband so they we the conflicts between them and I was the referee between them. We are best friends today just because we are moms and wives and share lot in common. I love my children the same. I am closer to my daughter because she lives here in Portland near us. My son went into the Navy right after High School and has stayed in Virginia and married. Has married a Virginian and she will never leave her parents, so I excepted this and Mark and I talk on the phone and I love his wife and my grandchildren. Mark would love to be here with us and our family but he honors his wife's choice to live there. He is my boy. No favorites they are each loved as my children. I would die for either one of them no questions. Kids all have different personalities, are you should love them each with all you have and mold them into respectable adults. Sure there are times when they act out or are going thru hard times. Help them through them. If you can't divide your love, stop having kids!!!!!!!!
Now my growing up years, being #3 and then the middle child when we adopted my brothers. I loved helping my parents and I always thought I was the favorite so that was my thoughts and I never shared them with my Mom or Dad. It didn't matter what the truth was. I knew they loved all of us and they took great care of us. I would never think of asking them because there is no reason to put them on the spot. My relationship with them is the one we have created together. Since I always helped with house cleaning and taking care of the animals and gardening, it had always paid off with privileges, but that is not why I did it. I just loved making them happy. People should just make their relationship with their parents what they can.
Thank you for listening to me. Would love to be in a panel on this subject anytime.
I watch this program and I wish that I was on that program because I am the 3rd girl in my family and was my moms last baby for 11 years and then we adopted 2 boy that we 3 & 5 years old. I was 11 yrs old when this happened. That is my family line up.
This is my input to all this. I was getting really hot hearing parents saying they had a favorite child. If parents have children they need to love them all. They are their flesh and blood. They brought them into this would, not the other way around. If you know you love your first child so much, you should not have anymore. I love my 2 children now adults the same. They are 7 years apart. My first is Mark and he was very easy to raise and he loved to please me. He was the delight of my life. We lost our 2nd boy 7 days before he was to be born and so he was a stillborn. I lost 8 more babies by miscarriage. So, we adopted our girl when she was 7 days old from one of my adopted brothers. Melissa is a delight. She was a lot harder to deal with in her teen years but I loved her and we have always had a great relationship. She is like my husband so they we the conflicts between them and I was the referee between them. We are best friends today just because we are moms and wives and share lot in common. I love my children the same. I am closer to my daughter because she lives here in Portland near us. My son went into the Navy right after High School and has stayed in Virginia and married. Has married a Virginian and she will never leave her parents, so I excepted this and Mark and I talk on the phone and I love his wife and my grandchildren. Mark would love to be here with us and our family but he honors his wife's choice to live there. He is my boy. No favorites they are each loved as my children. I would die for either one of them no questions. Kids all have different personalities, are you should love them each with all you have and mold them into respectable adults. Sure there are times when they act out or are going thru hard times. Help them through them. If you can't divide your love, stop having kids!!!!!!!!
Now my growing up years, being #3 and then the middle child when we adopted my brothers. I loved helping my parents and I always thought I was the favorite so that was my thoughts and I never shared them with my Mom or Dad. It didn't matter what the truth was. I knew they loved all of us and they took great care of us. I would never think of asking them because there is no reason to put them on the spot. My relationship with them is the one we have created together. Since I always helped with house cleaning and taking care of the animals and gardening, it had always paid off with privileges, but that is not why I did it. I just loved making them happy. People should just make their relationship with their parents what they can.
Thank you for listening to me. Would love to be in a panel on this subject anytime.
my mom favorite was her son. my sisters and I knew that. He was the first born. She died in March and I think she needed my brother with her he died in November in the same year.