Continue the Conversation: Living with a Hoarder
Monday, February 06, 2012 5:00AM
Maria and her family have an emotionally tumultuous conversation about their Maria’s problem with hoarding on Anderson's "My Mom is a Hoarder" show, and the conversation continues.
Maria shows even more of the items that she has kept from her daughters' childhood, like years-old christening outfits. She asks Dr. David Tolin how you can differentiate between treasures worth saving and junk that needs to be tossed.
Maria's husband has some questions of his own for Dr. Tolin, and Maria's family begins preparations for overhauling their home and their lives.
We also hear from Judy Batalion, whose article "Hoarding: A Love Story" posted on Salon.com caught Anderson's attention.
Take a look…
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Comments
so where can I see how Maria's house looks after the clean-up? I cannot find it here on the Anderson site...
the beautiful woman on your show about hoarding, is not alone in the love she doesn't want to end with her children. I would bet that when she doesn't want to give her sacred possessions to goodwill, she really wants to have individual connection with the person she is handing these belongings to! I have a suggestion for her. Perhaps instead of giving up those very personal items to anyone, such as the Baptismal gown, dance outfit & shoes, she could make shadow boxes for her bedroom and be able not only to share them on her wall but preserve them for her children to finally realize how important her bond between them is, and then pass it on to her next generation.
Anderson, I think your talk show is upstanding and far above and beyond the professionally of any other on TV. So proud of you for not falling prey to cheap talk and gossip, and please continue to uphold your high standards of politeness and caring!
Kudos Susan
part of the reason is when things have been TAKEN AWAY or fear of it. She almost lost her daughter. mom (when I was young)& husb threw out things in my absence. Lost control. Holding things is the only control I have. Now just overwhelming. I HATE IT!!!
Just wanted u and others to know I think it's mostly losing control of something..or losing someone...that triggers it and keeps it alive. She is very fortunate her girls are very understanding. All I get is criticism.
Please tell Maria that she could help so many other women. Donating many things to a battered woman's home, or homeless shelter would be invaluable to many.
I have a friend who is still "traumatized" from not receiving an Easy Bake oven as a child. :) I would be most glad to buy that item! (email me!!) Maybe this could be a start to your girl's college funds, or to donate to a charitable cause. Good luck!
TOPICS: AMISH/Cultural Literacy/etc.
Dear Andersen:
As my computer has been down for sometime, I am at the public library writing to you. Recently, I have been tuning into your program often. I don't use Twitter, so there is a lag time in communitcatng what I wanted to say to you.
I am also a fan of the Amish cuture, and in fact, I am from PA. For nearly 25 years, I have lived abroad, constituing nearly half my life. When I have had the opportunity to teach something about where I am from, I often take out my materials on Amish life, and sometimes I show Witness (zipping through the part in the beginning of the murder). When I saw your all-to-brief program on the Amish who have fled their culture, I was dying to tell you that I wanted to hear what kinds of things the Amish man teaches others, when he helps them to learn about the mainstream culture.
This brings up a preoccupation/hobby of mine: Cultural Literacy. Since I have lived abroad for so long, I try to keep up with current trends, conversations and problems in American culture. There is a well-know n book by John Hirschberger called Cultural Literacy, that I have had heated arguments about for more than 10 years. I wonder if you are familiar with this book? It is important to me, since my son was born in Japan, and has now lived in the US for 5 years. He is now 10-years-old.
My questions about my son, and for the Amish man helping others: What does he need to know to participate in the US culture? How can I decide such things? How can I tell if I know what is valuable to him?
I just know you will be interested in this topic because it has been implied in your recent show. Please call me or communicate with me by e-mail.
Thanks for your time reading this.
With warm regards, Jill Ann Ryan
PS-We'll be spending the July 4th weekend in the Amish country!
ja_ryan08@yahoo.com cell: (610)500-4639
I didn't realize that Anderson had a daytime TV show.
I just watched the hoarder segment and wonder if this kind of behavior isn't a reaction to our hyperconsumeristic world. I kept hearing the suggestion of just throwing it all away. Our landfills are overflowing with artifacts from our current purchasing habits - many still in boxes - many made of materials that will never fully break down but put together precisely so the whole would have a very short life cycle. Perhaps Maria has altruistic values that have not been compromised and this is where to begin. The sickness is on the purchasing end and with family members that bring things into the house that are not needed - for birthdays and other celebrations. Being able to think beyond the normal throw away society of consumerism to great alternatives is another intervention...for example, currency alternatives (where groups of people come together to barter, swap, share, or trade), repurposing (making an object work for a purpose that it wasn't originally designed for), making the old new again (with a little paint and creativity in design). My favorite is "refuse." Don't purchase items that will fall apart and hold the manufacturer accountable when it does (even though now they charge you for "insurance" for their products). This is another good reason to buy only from local crafts and skilled people - it takes longer to get that purchasing fix if that is what is needed and, in general, results in a better product.
I do hope that none of the items to be "organized" go to the landfill. Goodwill is one option but for someone who has an attachment to an object perhaps taking items to places where they can see good come from it - a woman's shelter, community center, house fire or tornado victims, or young people just starting out with their own homes. Check into local permaculture guilds - they do amazing things with objects since one of the main principles is no waste (as nature intended).
We really have to get over the growth economy. It isn't healthy for anyone.
Thank you.
Teddie
Definitely the second biggest problem in helping Hoarders (the first being that they don't see it as a problem) is that they have often spent all their money on their things. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand solution. Only ones that take quite a bit of time. The good news is that it is faster to go through all the stuff than it was to collect it, if you are ready to change.
For those of you looking for help - start with the Institute for Challenging Disorganization. http://challengingdisorganization.org/
Many areas are starting to have task forces to deal with the people that can't afford the help on their own. Check with your city or town to see what they offer. It's usually through the Adult Services and/or Waste Management departments.
Mr. Cooper, I want thank you for doing a show on "Hoarding". It is an interesting topic and unfortunately more common than people would like to believe. I have a family member who is a hoarder, however gets very defensive when the topic of clutter is mentioned. Our family has been unsuccessful in getting our hoarder to admit the clutter is hoarding. This family member will not even look at a show like this that talks about hoarding. Mr. Cooper, I want to commend you for doing a show on "Hoarding", the content of this show was on point in regard to the difficulty family members go through with a hoarder. In my case this family member knows the clutter needs to be dealt with but will not admit they have a problem. It would have been helpful to mention where specifically one can go (in Los Angeles, California) to get help as well as how to get the family member to agree to go ( I believe this is the hard part) to start the healing process? It definitely takes a lot of patience on all persons involved and can be quite frustrating. We all want the best for our family. (I guess we can start with google for locating initial help).
I understand that hoarders think that1. The memory lies in the object. 2. I might need it someday. I think that the memory lies within me. Even that may be gone someday, and must be accepted in order to live life today. Secondly, you can not possibly know what you might need tomorrow. As a friend once told me, it is never the thing you spend your time worrying about that happens. It is more likely to be something you never considered. So stop the angst. Get help . There is no shame in that.
Segment today was very well done. Great job. Hopeful for this wonderful family.
okay, so for an unemployed, broke, depressed hoarder who can't move around well due to multiple leg surgeries . . . . . I love her but she sits in the dark behind a locked door, watching tv and messing around on the computer, and she gets nervous when anyone touches her stuff or tries to help. she only does necessary laundry and dishes, Snd everything else is in disarray and piles. What help is there? Organizers and counselors are expensive. is there a Hoarders Anonymous anywhere?
What a lovely family Maria has!! 3 beautiful daughters who have such grace and composure. Taylor is very astute for a 17 year old. Maria has obviously done a tremendous job raising her girls-they are clearly polite, well-spoken and very well-adjusted, despite her hoarding tendencies (which goes to show just how great a job she has done raising them!). Maria should be very proud.
Now Maria needs to tackle her hoarding issues. It is a mental disorder; with therapy, she will be able to understand why she is the way she is and be able to move forward, for herself and her family (Taylor has very good insight regarding this). She will learn how to make good decisions regarding what is truly a treasure (the christening outfits) and what is okay to donate (old tricycles).
I wish her nothing but the best as she moves forward. It will not always be easy, but with the love and support she has from her family, she will succeed.
On both of your shows regarding hoarding, you and your audience both seem to think that OCD and and hoarding should be dealt with through "tough love" and simple force.
My brother's therapist has told us that is not the case and simply causes resentment. It does not fix the problem. My brother has this problem and it is hard to deal with. However after some therapy it is getting remarkably better. That was done by personal introspection and lists.
Kudos to Anderson for bringing more awareness to the issue of compulsive hoarding. He seems to innately recognize how the condition effects those of us who have lived with a hoarder. I was glad to see Jessie Sholl on the show. As an adult child of a hoarder, I too, published a memoir last year about how devastating it is to live in that environment. I am 59 and can tell you that it takes years to work through the frustration and shame. I would like to see the topic addressed a bit more from the perspective of those of us who have lived with a hoarder since there are countless numbers of us who have experienced it first hand. I liked that Dr. Tolin spoke briefly about the dynamic of control but I think more needs to be said about how anxiety (that just won't quit) is also a part of the disorder. Organizers are great, but information and supportive groups or mental health resources for the families can do much to alleviate the tendency to hide in shame. Thank you, Anderson.
Frances Boudreaux
I can relate. Before we moved recently, I obsessed over seventeen years' worth of goods collected. At times it all looked like undifferentiated junk, other times it seemed I couldn't part with the least object. I was conflicted until the last few weeks before the move date, then I just went into action, carefully distinguishing between what I needed, what I cherished, and what I could do without. I am happy with the result, and relieved that the "purge" process is over and done with! I hope your guest has a similar finish to her days as a hoarder!