Three Questions Every Parent Should Ask Before Calling Police on Kids
Today on the show, Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes, a leading leading psychologist who works with a lot of adolescents and parents, gave her expert opinion on whether or not calling the cops on your own children is a smart decision — for both the child and the parent.
Dr. Binder-Brynes says often when teens are acting out (and they act out in all kinds of ways) there is something really wrong -- either in the family system or with them. In the case of Caryn, Dr. Binder-Brynes says the case is now public, unfortunately, because it went through the legal system when Caryn called the cops. Instead, the doctor told Anderson, she believes it really was a matter for professional intervention -- with a family counselor, a therapist, or with social services.
As mentioned on the show, Dr. Binder-Brynes says bringing in the police should be a last resort. "When a child is dangerous immediately to themselves or to others -- then you would call the police," says Binder-Brynes, "like you would in any domestic abuse situation."
For more information on Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes, visit her website DrKarenNYC.com.
Comments
Anderson,
I had to DVR this show and jus*****ched it. I really think you missed the mark, and I was disgusted with some of the sanctimonious parents in the audience lambasting the mother who called the police on her daughter. Maybe she thinks she has a wonderful relationship with her 16 year old daughter, but I thought I did too. When my daughter was 18 and stared college, she started partying. Within 2 months, she collected a drinking ticket and one night drove home drunk. When I confronted her, she attacked me, through me into the shower and almost broke my hand. My husband called the police on her because was out of control. That night, she lied to the police and told them my husband had been abusing her -- she knew to use the right terms (he laid hands on me), and guess what, they cuffed him and wanted to throw him in jail. I intervened and explained he was just defusing the situation so nobody went to jail. They released her to us. We are an upper middle class, highly educated family. We have a very successful son, and both kids were given the best of everything, so there is no reason this child should be acting out. She has been in therapy fora couple of years for ADHD. We are two very loving, giving, caring parents who want only the best for our children. So yes, I take great offence to people who think calling the police on their children is wrong.
I have asked myself 1000 times whether that was the right decision and trust me, I have beat myself up about being a bad parent. My husband sticks by his decision and believes that he could have saved lives by stopping the bad behavior.
Thank you for getting this discussion out there.
Anderson, I love you dearly, but I think you steered a lot of people wrong today on your show. Keeping quiet about domestic violence, in any form, is not the message we need to be sending.
When my 2 boy***** the teen years, and hormones and tempers started to flare, I sat the whole family down (hubby too) and made it very clear that if ANYONE threatened the safety of any member of our family, whether it came from inside or out, I would not hesitate to phone the police and have that threat removed from our home.
Physical violence is a decision that's made well before any argument-you either give yourself permission to act that way or you don't. Parents are expected to teach their kids values and how to handle themselves in the world; that includes dealing with the consequences of their decisions.
The rules apply to everyone. Kids need to know that.
My mom and I dealt (are still dealing) with my brother. At seventeen there isn't much you can do, and he's been this way for three/four years. You can't physically make the kid go to counseling or do anything.
The doctor's advice was an insult to Psychology. She should have been giving sound,supportive advice rather than blaming. As a professional she should have known better.There was nothing valuable in anything she said. If anything she discouraged people, parents out there from seeking support and professional guidance because she she more than likely gave them the impression that it would involve blaming them. I found her advice to be antagonistic at best. Her perception on seeking out counseling was unrealistic and skewed. If she was going to be so adamant about it she also should have been willing to acknowledge the pitfalls that come with not being able to afford it, or not finding the right type of counselor...or how about the fact that in the majority of cases it requires a hell of a lot more. Fact of the matter is this...whether we like it or choose to acknowledge it or not...it takes a village to raise a child. Counseling isn't always possible unless you have school officials, teachers, guidance counselors willing to work with the parent. If the school fails than the parents have a tougher time. And sometimes in order to get the proper counseling or programs, it may actually require the law stepping in. Some programs aren't available to troubled kids until they've shown a certain amount of trouble, that would involve parents actually calling the cops on their kids and getting the child on record. I noticed she failed to address that...failed to acknowledge the twisted loopholes that have to be done in order to give a troubled kid a fighting chance. That doesn't make these parents horrible parents...
Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes was the wrong person for this show. Her comments seemed to attack Caryn, who needed some real and sincere support. The show was a disappointment and I am not sure what actual value it had. Anderson owes Caryn an apology.
this doctor you have on your show is giving worthless information in regards to not calling the police on your children. our son is nearly 21yrs and in his third year of college. from age 12 through his high school years he put us through living hell literally every day to the point where we had to call the sheriff multiple times whenever he crossed the boundaries we set or if we felt lives were in danger. those calls to the sheriff were recommended and sanctioned by the best counselor we had ever had. she helped us set the boundaries w/ our son. so whenever he acted out and we had to call for help from the sheriff, he finally started to recognize that we would do whatever we needed to keep everyone safe. this counselor got him through high school, college prep, and even his first two years of college. i totally believe there are circumstances that require the help and support of our law enforcement. the sheriffs that came to our house treated us w/ the upmost respect and handled our son in a way that he listened and acted accordingly. calling the law on your children is certainly not easiest thing to do, but it certainly worked out for the best in our family.
I have a very dear friend who is an educator who works with troubled teens. She frequently had to call the police on her son, who was a danger to the rest of her family or would endanger himself when he wandered off. When he finally got the counselling he needed as he finally got himself into the system, he was able to lie and manipulate the situation. Thankfully, after many years, he couldn't hide his erratic behaviour anymore and he was removed from his home and put into a special enclosed facility where he was diagnosed with serious mental health issues. My friend did everything right. She was made to feel bad for contacting the police. She was blamed for his behaviour. She persisted, despite the humiliation, and got her son the help he needed. Until other programs become available to help parents, sometimes calling the police is the only way.
Hello Anderson. First off, I would like to say how much I enjoy your show. I am writing from Kingston, Ontario. I have agreed with most of the professional that you have on your show. Today, Jan. 25th, 2012, is the first time that I have become so upset with the comments of Dr. Karen Binder-Brynes. I have a son who is now 46 years old. Between the age of 16 - 32 years o****e he put me through hell. Something that he will readily admit to today. Unfortunately there are not enough counsellors or therapist that a person can see, especially if you are living on a single parent income. I also had to call the police on my son, once of the hardest things that I ever had to do in my life. If Dr. Binder-Brynes, was the person that I turned to for help. I doubt that my son and I would have the relationship that we do today. I really don't think that she is living in the real world with her comments. I will continue to watch your show, as I really do enjoy it.
Yours truly, Audrey Leisk
Find a new Dr. to have on your show,this lady is out of touch!
I have found out over a # of years is that in order for your children to make good decisions sometimes they need to see what comes from the choses they make. Sometimes in life the only way to learn some things is by making a mistake and hopefully learning from it. Mind you I dont mean something serious but just life lessons.
my kids where out of control. being a mom of 5 older daughter. i had the cops on speed dial.. they knew my kids by name. i was so embarrassed of every time i went out they always said hi and stopped me to see how my kids were acting...so yes if you must call them call them . dont punish yourself for calling the police on your kid.. its a wake up cal for them,,
The aldy is right! The police won't help you unless a crime is committed and niether will the family services. so I ahdto hurt him or he had to hurt me. There was no where to turn. I tried counseling, boys school as last resorts and none of those things helped.
Finally I sent him to live with his bilogical father thinking that may be the problem. It worked because my child called after a year and said he knew what hell was like could he come home. I said no I know what heaven is like. Eventually I brought him home and we got along happily ever after. He is a very responsible loving young man and I couldn't be prouder but there was no help for us it was a real struggle.
That police officer is out of line! Parents call them as a last resort. If your kids won't go to school then you go to jail. If you can't physically deal with them what else is a parent supposed to do!
I was very disappointed with the show today. More so with the audience reactions to the moms who choose to call the police. People need to understand that every situation is different. My husband and I have had to call the police on our oldest daughter numerous times. Each time we felt that she was a danger to herself. Many times she was suicidal, others she would storm out with no shoes on. She would be in such a rage that she was not thinking clearly. She is also severely bi-polar and she would always leave when her medication was wearing off. As she aged and turned 17 we were informed, by the police, that she was allowed to come and go as she pleased and there was nothing we could do. The best we could do was report her as missing and if they found her they could call and tell us that they had located her.
We've been through counseling, therapy, even had her institutionalized for her own safety. When she refused to go to therapy there was nothing we could do. We cannot physically pick her up and put her in the car. We cannot physically make her stay home. What else was there for us to do? We've done everything that we can and she still refuses to face the issues that are the root of her behavior. She refuses to talk to us, often she even refuses to take her medication. So, when she runs out the door with no shoes on and no medication, what else are we to do? Hunt her down and bodily force her back into the car? No, because then we will be accused of child abuse. It is a thin line that we have to walk.
We did what we did because we love our daughter and want her to be safe.
When your child is out of control and the authorities and courts say disciplining your child through spanking or other means is not recommended or leagal, there is very limited things that can be done! Especially in this day and age!