Why is the Pressure to Be Pure Only on Women?
Regardless of whether purity balls are good or bad, young women still face a tremendous amount of pressure to stay "pure" and "virginal," while young men are typically not held to these same standards.
Anderson wonders aloud to the Bonk family whether or not a double standard is at play, because in light of purity balls, it still seems that young men aren't attending like-minded events with their mothers.
"If I had two sons sitting up here next to me, I would hope that the show would be about the same subject," says Mike, whose two daughters have made the pledge to be pure. "Because there are events for young men."
Jessica Valenti, who made the documentary movie "The Purity Myth," says that while integrity balls do exist for young men, there is a key difference in the underlying messages and intentions of these balls, versus the purity balls that young women attend.
Hear Jessica explain this difference, and hear more from the Bonk family about the possibility of a double standard, in the video below.
Comments
I think the problem with "abstinence only" sexual education is that it doesn't teach teenagers about important issues such as pregnancy and disease prevention. Humans are sexual creatures and it's not always possible to fight our biological desire to have sex. Sexual education should focus on teaching teenagers not to do anything before they are emotionally ready, and should also focus on disease prevention, because pregnant isn't the worst thing you can get.
Do understand how hard and difficult it is for people to stand on what they belief on, without being bullying by others or think their way of life is affecting others when is not.
Saw people in your show that stood their ground and are willing to be faithful till they get married. Is hard to maintain such high moral standard in our society and nation today without being bullying and unlawfully discriminated against for being so faithful to yourself.
I must praise you for having such courage to host such controversial issue affecting our society and nation today. Some individuals in our society today are being Religious and Publicly Prosecuted and Discriminated against for taking such bold step and move, including at work, school and other places.
Looking at what I have being through for taking such bold step in my life, I can now imagine the type of stigma this family including their children are facing each day of their life for being faithful to themselves.
I has being Torture, Brutality Beaten, Abuse, Taking out of Scheduled, Force out of School, Associate Degree Withhold, Unlawful Discrimination Block, Suppress, and Block, Denied New Employment and Opportunities, Abuse and Force out of House (for five months and two weeks) for making this bold move.
And also was called all kinds of name like Extremist, Dangerous Person, Blackmail, Set up by School and Law Enforcement Authorities through Technology Malpractice, Bullying and Unlawful Employment Practice for being faithful to myself just like those who appeared in your show, waiting for the right person.
Well, cannot even pay my bills, eat three times and others because of the position I was subjected into for making such I bold move for myself and the person I will marry.
I will be happy to give you full details of my story, if you contact me through email (peterezieme@yahoo.com), in person or mail at 1583 N. Fair Oaks Avenue Apt # 202 Pasadena California 91103.
Thank you very much for given our society opportunity to know people can still set high standard for themselves and their family without being abuse, bully, torture, taking out of schedule, or any of their constitutional violate by elite, authorities and others.
January 21, 2012
Time 5:02pm
I'm not particularly against what this family is doing. It's great in the sense that they have found something that works for them, and its not really anyone's right to tell them they are wrong.
However, I do believe that there needs to be a change in the MEDIA! It's everyone's responsibility what we support, and if we are not happy with THEIR MESSAGES then we need to stop supporting it. It is not unreasonable for women to feel like they have double standards. The messages of the media are telling women they have to have sex in order to have a fun life and to be accepted into our society, but yet these women are looked down upon as sluts. Seems pretty impossible!
As for men, I think it as a woman it is a bit unfair that they are allowed to sleep with as many women and are not bullied or called man whores for it. But we need to realize that men are also faced with the double standards-that being a virgin is unmanly, and that being a player is disrespectful/disapproved by women.
I think the overall lesson is that we can't expect people to be both. So why don't we stop supporting these stereotypes and just accept people for their own beliefs and decisions? AND sex is a very private and personal thing and should be kept that way. Honestly, its nobody's business. And not everyone believes in religion, so keep that to yourself (I'm religious, but its wrong to judge/condemn others).
I waited and I feel it was the best gift I could give my husband.
I thank my father for treating me as his jewel, and setting such standards. No greater love from a father.
1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
Being one of a rare few virgins men at 40. I don't believe one has to be that religious to have the virgin view. You can only be a true virgin once in life and why not make the first time with another virgin in hopes the relationship will last a life time. This has worked for most of the virgin relationships and for others the relationship did not work. But you know you gave your first time the best shot of having a life time relationship. It is really sad that so many people see being a virgin at any age these days being at bad thing do to things like STDs, unexpected pregnancies and by rushing to have sex before you really know the person your with. Everything in a relationship is a learning experience and that take time to happen. This does not happen within a 6 month period of time and some a lot more time is needed. We are not computers and we do not process relationships at the speed of a computer though we may think we do. I have read from socials networks that sex seems to be getting mixed in with material things and that your need to test sex with a person like you would test a car for performance. What’s next to test like a car or other material thing? This makes a partners heart, mind and soul less important and the material things in life more important in relationships. I think too many people are not being there true selves in a relationship that leads to marriage and once married they revert to being there true selves. So you no longer see the same person that you had before you were married and may also try to change or mold a partner to what they wanted in a partner. I believe these are two of the reasons other than being unfaithful is why we have so many failed relationship and marriages. Both partners have to be sincere and, being there true selves from the beginning and not wanting to change anything about any partner. So when they become married nothing changes and they continue the relationship as if they were not married. That’s my view of being a virgin and marriage.
I think the difference between the virginity pledge with girls and the integrity pledge with boys lies in the fact that girls are seen as vulnerable. We are seen as not able to defend ourselves and that we will just be taken advantage of and coerced into sex. That concept is pervasive in our culture: the man has some kind of line or trick to get the woman into bed. That whole concept supports rape and is an underlying reason that date rape is such an issue in this country.
I'm not sure who to agree with on this...I definitely respect people who are willing to promote purity, and who are dialoguing with their girls about how they deserve to be treated. I also think it's reasonable for parents to let their children know what their family values in relationships, etc....
But I also understand Jessica's viewpoint. All this emphasis on purity seems to focus on girls' bodies, and not on their inherent worth as human beings. They need to be empowered to feel intelligent and independent and worth working for. This may be part of the "purity ball" message (I don't know) but I got a lot of the purity pressure when I was growing up through stories and books and music, etc....and it didn't help me one bit when I was raped at 16. All I had been taught (sometimes implicitly) was that my purity (and self worth) rested on whether or not I could fend a boy off. When I failed, I blamed myself, and hid my depression and trauma from my family for four years, out of shame. Protecting myself and my body went out the window, because I was already "damaged".
I don't understand this double standard: when it comes to sex, women are to be sensible "gatekeepers", but in anything else (especially when they rise to any position of leadership) they are "hormonal", "PMS-ing", or "menopausal", and their opinion can't be trusted. Men, on the other hand, are logical and reasonable until they're turned on....then they are testosterone-driven animals who can only (sometimes) be stopped by a gatekeeping woman (Men, don't you find this a little offensive, too?).
Why don't we teach all of our children, from the beginning, what it means to consent to touch (of any kind), and show them that it is never okay to force someone to do something? Why don't we teach them that sexual violence has more faces than just rape? Why don't we help them to identify and combat emotional or physical coercion, from the inside *and* the outside of a relationship? If we want them to stay pure, why don't we teach girls and boys that they all have the power of reasoning and compassion, teach them about what healthy relationships (emotionally, sexually, spiritually) look like (my sex ed in 10th grade was too late, and too little) and let them know they have unconditional love and support, no matter what happens?
I'm not sure who to agree with on this...I definitely respect people who are willing to promote purity, and who are dialoguing with their girls about how they deserve to be treated. I also think it's reasonable for parents to let their children know what their family values in relationships, etc....
But I also understand Jessica's viewpoint. All this emphasis on purity alone seems to focus on girls' bodies, and not on their inherent worth as human beings. They need to be empowered to feel intelligent and independent and worth working for. This may be part of the "purity ball" message (I don't know) but I got a lot of the purity pressure when I was growing up through stories and books and music, etc....and it didn't help me one bit when I was raped at 16. All I had been taught (sometimes implicitly) was that my purity (and self worth) rested on whether or not I could fend a boy off. When I failed, I blamed myself, and hid my depression and trauma from my family for four years, out of shame. Protecting myself and my body went out the window, because I was already "damaged".
I don't understand this double standard: when it comes to sex, women are to be sensible "gatekeepers", but in anything else (especially when they rise to any position of leadership) they are "hormonal", "PMS-ing", or "menopausal", and their opinion can't be trusted. Men, on the other hand, are logical and reasonable until they're turned on....then they are testosterone-driven animals who can only (sometimes) be stopped by a gatekeeping woman (Men, don't you find this a little offensive, too?).
Why don't we teach all of our children, from the beginning, what it means to consent to touch (of any kind), and show them that it is never okay to force someone to do something? Why don't we teach them that sexual violence has more faces than just rape? Why don't we help them to identify and combat emotional or physical coercion, from the inside *and* the outside of a relationship? If we want them to stay pure, why don't we teach girls and boys that they all have the power of reasoning and compassion, teach them about what healthy relationships (emotionally, sexually, spiritually) look like (my sex ed in 10th grade was too late, and too little) and let them know they have unconditional love and support, no matter what happens? If you want to encourage purity or integrity or healthy relationships (that's the ultimate goal of abstinence, right?), you need to target this from all angles.
You know, what, I appreciate the comment made by mimi. I wish all people thought along those lines, we would not be in the mess we are right now. If people want to argue we are not in deep trouble, then go ahead! I wish that someone had told me a counter message. Right now everyone believes that sex before marriage is the thing! Anyone with a counter message, well, get the treatment that family on Anderson received. Like it or not, women are the gatekeepers to sex. Yes, you can believe the hogwash about us being equal, bla! bla! bla!. I love the message that family has, and it will serve well meaning parents to seriously consider it. Do not dismiss it completely.
Anderson started the show talking about Tbo or whatever his name is..since god gets all the credit for what happens in his life he must have really done something to p god of to seperate his rib...maybe he lost his virginity to a nice guy..good for him
Abstinence before marriage creates the most rewarding,fulfilling,intimate sexual experience-2 people giving each other something they've never given anyone else-no memories of anyone else. That's the greatest definition of "special" and "intimate". It's not deprivation- it's richness. We shouldn't lower our goals because we think we might "mess up". Set the goal high, try to live up to it, expect others to do the same, practice forgiveness and compassion when you or others "mess up" Stop using words like "fallen", "pure", "pledging purity to fathers". Make the commitment to yourself, future spouse and, if it's your belief, to God. No double standard for males/females. You don't need to practice before marriage so you'll have the right moves- just commit to the pleasure of discovering what makes it rewarding for both of you.
I think that this family is brave. There are very few people out there who are brave enough to get away from the herd. The herd is about finding yourself, expressing yourself, parents have stopped being parents and not telling their kids how to live a good life. That being said, I doubt very much that these parents are not telling the men the same thing. Do you know that loosing virginity for men is not as big a deal as it is for women? Do men bleed when they loose their virginity? Now, I know that people want equality, but stop this hogwash already! I wish I had parents like that. It would have saved me the pain and regrets which follows having sex at a young age.
Jessica is trying to justify something, she knows what it is! I think attacking these people who are really heroes, at least in my eyes, should tell you a lot.
If most women would tell you the truth, they wish they had parents like that who were there to make sure that they are not giving it away because everyone is doing it. Anderson, most kids are having sex, simply because everyone is doing it. The re are so many people with regrets out there, they won't tell you the truth!
I'm not a religious person to me it's like santa..etc..
religion is mans manipulation of mans spirituality to control man..
but can someone tell me where it says in the bible..which is one religion rule book by the way..that you have to be a virgin to marry..or be pure..
surprise surprise...girls are promissing their dads they will stay virgins..wow..that's never happened before..especially with religious nuts...
those girls will lose their virginities when they are going to no matter what their parents or society say..
even if they wait to get married to do it they may divorce then what..
married not married the physical hyman means nothing...
There is nothing wrong with people teaching their daughters to wait to have sex and use the term "purity" for this. Jessica seems like she has a chip on her shoulder and i can't unerstand why parents wanting to raise children in good moral standings would offend her so much. I had my first child when I was 18 and not married and I think what these parents are doing is commendable. And I never heard anyone on thre say they don't hold these standards the same for young men, this show just happened to be about father daughter purity balls. I can bet that if those same parents had boys they would be teaching the same morals to them. Anderson I love your show but that was a litte over the top letting people attack that family for wanting to raise their children to respect themselves.