Mommy Wars: Are Moms Who Work at Home Clique-ish?
Thursday, September 15, 2011 11:28AM
On today’s show, Jasmine, a mom who works outside the home, said she feels a divide exists between moms who work inside the home and moms who work out of the home. According to her, “Stay-at-home moms can sometimes be clique-y” and that it’s difficult for them to open the “mommy club.”
What do you think? Is there a clash between moms who work in the home and moms who work out of the home?
Filed Under: As Seen On The Show
Comments
I believe either way is hard but everyone is not cut out to be a SAHM. I would like to know about the website for looking into being able to work at home or at least the website. Thank you
I think as a full time stay at home mom, that there are cliques everywhere. Even inside the "stay at home world"... Breastfeeding vs bottle feeding moms, organic vs. non organic moms. The world is not perfect. I agree with Abigail, I think women need to have these type of discussions before getting married. It has to be a partnership. My husband and I always planned I would stay at home, until the kids were old enough to go to school. But like other moms mentioned already we just need to stop judging each other and just live our lives. And at the end of the day, do what works for you and I do what works for me.
I believe in the last few years many women have gone from feeling thankful thst they can be stay at home Moms to complaining ( even though they have cleaning ladies and gym memberships and every house hold appliance made)that their husbands don't do enough and how tough their lives are. As a woman who worked all the years my children were growing up and longer I would have loved to stay home.
Having been a full time working parent (outside the home) the entirety of my children's lives, yes, I do feel there is a divide between working parents and stay at home mom's. I myself am not a clique-ey person. I never was growing up, and I still am not even to this day, and I can totally see the clique's forming amongst the mom's. I always feel a bit out of the loop when it comes to playdates and other mom activities...I guess you can contribute that to my busy schedule, but I also feel a bit snubbed by the stay at home mom's. I've tried to reach out in the past to form friendships, but somehow or another it didn't work out. So I stick with my own friend group, I have plenty outside of the "mom group" world, and it's perfectly fine. I do feel almost like we're back in HS, trying to make friends again since we're all thrust into our children's class group together. My oldest is in 2nd grade and so far this is my 3rd year in experiencing all this, but I'm hopeful that it will get easier. I do also notice clique's amongst age groups too...I'm a relatively young mother, the first amongst my friends to have children, and in the area I live there are quite a few older mothers, so that's another just another thing contributing to the cliques. Don't get me wrong, I get along great with an older crowd- my profession is an office environment and I work with people over twice my age and we all get along perfectly, so I know it's not that. But I do think that "mom's" just have their cliques because of their preconcieved judgements, and it's hard to fit in sometimes. Not that I'm complaining because I have the best girl friends on the planet :), so I try not to worry too much about it. We all have our own busy lives to lead :).
What Jasmine needs to realize is that PEOPLE are clique-ish everywhere. There are cliques at the workplace, on the playground and the PTA. Just because someone is a stay at home mother, doesn't mean she belongs to a "stay at home mom clique". Did she ever try to say hello to them, or does she just expect everyone to drop at her feet, wanting to be friends with her. Check your own attitude Jasmine.
I would like to see men and women as they journey toward marriage and creating families that they discuss together what the future looks like with a family. Chances are they picture it differently and this is the time to get on the same page. right nothing romantic about it at all. it is all practice and choices to make together. In this discussion nobody has mentioned the partnership and the 100/100 arrangement to take care of home and children and each other. Important to try to paint the realistic picture. Will we follow traditional gender roles, will we chart our own creative course of family raising.
I worked outside the home for my children's entire childhoods. My son is now 29 and my daughter is 26. I engaged in the conflict with work-at-home moms early but then realized that the truly important people were my children. It's not a competition about being a "better" mom - it's about BEING a mom. What do they want? My kids liked store-bought cookies and homemade Halloween costumes so, that was October's priority! They loved "snow days" because I could take the day off from work and build a snowman. I learned that by making my children my #1 priority, all the guilt just melted away. And we talked about it. They understood that I loved my job but I love them more. My job would never take priority over anything that was important to them. Maybe because we talked about it, they never took advantage of being the priority. Bottom line, I believe if you make the right choice FOR YOU, to work outside the home or in the home then you will be your best self and isn't that who you want your children to know?
I have seen it all-as a working mother and as a stay at home mom-and as a teacher for 35 years. It is amazing the competition among mothers at school-what teachers are the best, who can out do the other with class parties, the clothes and the latest in thing these mothers have to have for their children. I have seen trends come and go only to be replaced by newer "have to have or have to be"trends. Soccer moms have gone from being actual mothers taking their kids to soccer to being an idea, image and something that these women feel they have to live up to. I have loved my volunteers in my classroom-but don't do it to impress your neighbors, look good and think your child will have an advantage. And the PTO? the Ultimate Clique. I found working moms to be more real and authentic when it came to the realities of their children. I once had a parent upset with me that their child could have NOT qualified for being in a gifted program because they lived in a 450K home; instead their child qualified for a severe learning disability that required a specialized reading program. I was told that lower 250K priced homes was for those with disabilities. Wake up Women-think about what you are teaching your sons and daughters-you will reap that when you see how they will be raising your grandchildren.
I too have been on both sides. I worked full time for 25 years (4 years after my daughter was born, and traveled globally. Then I "retired" and volunteered at school, and found out that because I wasn't in my 30s and I didn't play tennis that I was persona non grata with the neighborhood moms. I continued to do volunteer work at school, but tried to do invididual projects so that I didn't feel so left out. Finally, another 'over 40' mom and I met and we are the "outcasts" together. What I have found interesting is that since I haven't worked full time for 10 years, no one will hire me. I must have gotten stupid and lost all of my brain cells!
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Julie-that article is fabulous! Thanks.
http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/116998/lesson_12_working_...
This article says it all! :-)
Unfortunately, yes, moms are clique-ish. It isn't stay home moms vs. work outside the home moms. There are quite definitely cliques. I have come across this many, many times as a stay home mom. I have been to many SAHM meet ups, gone to the park, etc and been snubbed. I get weird looks because I play with my little one on the play ground or that I go with the flow, don't do exactly what the books or "professionals" say.
But, I don't care any more. I have found a few moms and dads that are "My people" and I keep them close to my heart. The best advice I got was "Just because another woman is a Mommy, it doesn't mean you have anything in common"